The reason I am feeling so stuck is that I want to move house. Does that sound a bit ridiculous? I feel John and I (and the Babycat) have outgrown where we are now. We've been here for just over four years and it is the first place we bought. This is so important to me; having a home was somewhat tenuous when I was younger so owning a home now, and having that security, is one of THE most important things in the whole world to me. I am so lucky and grateful to be sharing that with someone I love. And now... now we need the next step. There has been only one time in my life when I lived in a building that was more or less perfect for me – a huge, four storey Victorian house share in Whitechapel, 10 years ago. We were only there for 6 months but the steep staircase and split landings, old windows you could climb out of to reach the roof of another room below and use as a terrace, the rows of chimneys you could see from the bed at night... it was completely run down and rickety and had terrible peeling wallpaper and it was beautiful. Since then we've lived in modern buildings and they've not been a patch on that 150years+-old stack of bricks.
Now we have our own place and I'm ready to move on again. It's been so wonderful having something that feels permanent, but now that feeling has faded again, and everything feels so temporary, like I might just have to pack up everything into bin bags and run. I'm tired of having to move the bike to get to the book case to get to the second box of things below the stack of magazines. We don't have loads of things (although I may have a dress or two!) but we don't have any room for them. A place for everything and everything in its place is a very good idea indeed, and one we can't live up to here.
But it's also much, much more than that. We were hoping to buy a house last winter, but due to budget and other things we have to wait until next year, and I feel like I'm old hold. It doesn't help being an expat who checks out houses in London, gasps at their cheapness compared to here (yes really!) and gets so homesick that even choosing to stay in Melbourne isn't straightforward... but that's another post (or ten!) for another time! Basically, now, I am ready for things to change and I don't want to wait. I feel like the boat is leaving and I'm not on it. For some reason, moving house feels like it would change everything, get everything moving again – and maybe it wouldn't technically, but that's how it feels! I want to do more, do new things, to see if I can create the kind of life I've always wanted and be surrounded by the things I love, and be proud of what I do. I got so much closer this year but there is so much more! I'm tired of being scared or being distracted or being held back. I am ready to jump!
So, this leaves me looking at this bookshelf, and seeing it needs some rearranging – and also not seeing the point of bothering. Yes I can keep it dusted and keep the books straight and maybe even read one every now and then, and having fresh flowers has been extra nice after such a long time without, when spending money on fresh flowers felt so pointless because I was sick and tired of the four walls anyway. But surely I can do better than that. If I'm going to be here for a reasonable amount of time longer I need to make it as good as I can. It might be pointless to paint the bedroom (I'm over the yellow!) or to get new bedsheets or a rug but I can do little things to make it homely, for now. I also can't be the only one feeling out of sorts with their home. How do you feel about yours? Are there little things you can do to feel happier with your surroundings? Maybe we can share some ideas? Because dwelling for too long, well, that won't do anyone any good!
I can also be happy about what is going to be happening over the next few months. We are getting married this summer (after the world's loooooongest engagement) and at last it feels real and exciting. We are going overseas early next year and then I feel like I can really settle down for good – ideally in our new (old) house. So there is a lot to look forward to. I just wish it was that little bit closer.